You're such an ASS! (Your life must be so fulfilling)

Life is all about ass;
we're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one...


This was recently sent to me. How fitting. I like to incorporate as many of the preceding into my day as possible... sometimes accomplishing more than one at a time.
I've begun to realize that I'm either turning into, or have finally discovered that I am, a complete asshole. I guess this comes with my old age. I find family interaction annoying and unnecessary now. Is this wrong? For example, I've spent the majority of my holiday sitting on the couch watching television, eating excessively and occasionally getting up for another beer -avoiding everyone. I've put my time in visiting the neice and nephews so they don't forget what I look like, which is good I suppose. I'm sure that they think I'm boring... especially since my visit involves sitting and watching them for hours with little interaction. But, it's the thought that counts, right? I find it difficult to get excited about it though. Sorry. I'm not a child anymore. I've done the playing and I've moved on to the anxiety and depressed portion of my existence.
I don't really know why, but I find family interaction uncomfortable and it tends to create excessive amounts of rage for me. So, I just keep to myself. The only problem is that I get the impression I'm expected to feel some form of guilt because of my "attitude". Sorry, I got nuttin' folks.
Now I have to contend with the possibility of being trapped in St. George because of the snow storm which has started this evening. If this happens, it's been... well... it's just been. I'll say that much. Merry Fucking Ho Ho.

Xmas Tree

Xmas Tree
Originally uploaded by jeffmyles.

Well, tonight we had a little Hatchet Lake bonding. Megan and I rushed to go pick up a tree before survivor started. I know, it's sad, but we didn't want to miss any of it! We literally picked the first tree we saw and scurried them to pack it in the truck as quickly as possible... but it appears to have been a great choice.
Darcy and Megan overloaded it up with ornaments and ribbon, and Julie gave the Angel a makeover to give her a more suitable, updated look. Leave it to Dolly to sew up some ribbon and give her a couture gown. She's nuts. The result was almost as dramatic as her own NXET makeover! Man, they don't call her Dolly Dingles for nothing.
Anyway, we managed to get it all up as you can see, and the rest of the house has been xmas'd up to the point of almost inducing vomiting -and no, not sublte vomiting.
As for subtle, it certainly wouldn't be the word I'd use to describe the aftermath of my extended evening out. Holy shit I felt like I had been bludgeoned and/or hit by a large truck. I should have known better, shooters always throw me over the edge.
I was violently ill and have managed not to die thus far, but I welcome my bed and plan to enjoy it's beautiful diapery goodness for MANY hours.. perhaps even until tuesday.

Subtle Vomiting

vomit
Originally uploaded by jeffmyles.

Ok, so it's been requested that I explain how one manages to discreetly expell the contents of their stomach without causing a stir or drawing attention to their performance. I will not only explain HOW this can be accomplished, but I will provide a situation in which you may need to do so or where this could be implemented at your discretion. In addition, I will have given an example of what might cause this to occur in the first place. I'll get right to it.
Picture it, you're visiting a friend... no wait, let's say you're with a friend, visiting someone they know. You find it incredibly awkward just being there as you have soon discovered that you not only know this person's significant other, but have a deeply disturbing sexual history with them. You're completely revolted seeing them again as your last sexual encounter ended on a bad note and required an unexpected cleanup. You're shocked to find them in various photos scattered around the apartment. The host openly decides to explain who this person is and all about them like you haven't already been privy to this info in your past. You play dumb, but immediately feel the need to flee as to avoid a potential encounter or need to explain yourself. You can't get the vision of that horrible experience our of your mind. It's haunting you now.
Sure enough, when you thought your chance to bail was finally granted, the host decides to invite you both to stay for a spontaneous dinner. Great, you're stuck for a least another 2 hours. By this time, they've already started you on your second mixed drink and you can't use the "I have to go pick up something" idea.
(I know, I'm rambling..get to the point)
So, you've managed to make it to dinner and you sit at the table, food placed in front of you. Suddenly, you discover that the meat isn't cooked enough and there is a large hair woven into your vegetables. you're feeling nauseous just looking at it. You're too shy to say anything, so you attempt to maneuver things around to give the impression that you've consumed something. Then they ask you to taste something and give your opinion. Fuck. Now what? You decide to be brave and not think about it. You suck it up and load your fork. Just as you bite in they casually announce that there is seafood in it. You hate seafood. Strike three. You have a mouthful of nastiness already so you attempt to swallow it whole to lessen the blow. Just as you do, you're ex walks in the door, startling everyone. They look at you you panic. You immediately go into shock and your body's first response is to project this vile crap from your throat directly at them. You immediately grab your napkin and catch it, passing it off as politely clearing your throat to introduce yourself. No one notices your display because they're disrupted by their entrance. Now you promptly excuse yourself before the intro is made and head to the kitchen where you immediately bury your vomit-soiled napkin deep into the garbage can. Mission accomplished. Subtle, yet effective. Don't tell me this is far fetched! It could happen to any one of you.


Another thing that might induce subtle vomitting:

-Julia Childs naked, a stick of butter and a cheese grater

oh... and another thing!

I just wanted to post this in addition to my last entry. In the event that a certain someone dares to make a comment about my new found obsession, I would like to point out that this little lady may have a FEW things in common with them!


#49. I called in sick to work one day because I was up all night playing Final Fantasy.

No Comment? Didn't think so.

Who's that Girl?... (La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la)

Ok, so I realize that it's 3:50AM and that I'm obviously losing my mind, but I have to discuss this before I allow my brain to rest and lose my enthusiasm. I have found the one. This may be the most intriguing blog EVER. It's completely fascinating. She's a genius and makes me realize how incredibly boring and futile my existence is, but I love it. I'd like to warn you though, it's addictive and at some points may induce subtle vomitting. I'd recommend a brown baggy for those with a weak stomach. She's brutally honest, which is a bit disturbing at times, but has a great perspective on life and other annoyances I'd say. She has somehow managed to meet fabulous people at high class gatherings, yet acts as if she's the one they should be talking about. Her writing and photographic abilities show that she clearly has talent as you'll see. Her comments on life in New York City and the people there basically consummate every stereotype.
From what I can tell, she's a writer/photographer/webpage designer/socialite/entertainer/ms universe. Have I left anything out? It was described that her friends think she's Elaine Benes meets Sarah Jessica Parker - quite a combo. If you suck and can only stand to read a little.. check out her Men to Avoid and Facts About Me lists.. they're the most entertaining.
So, I decided to write her a quick hello to let her know the effect she had on my otherwise dull evening. Below is the reply I got about an hour after :)

thanks very much Jeff... have a good night. I'm lit,
and need to pass out. Sweet dreams... or have a
fantastically warm day.

Stephanie


(I'm now cool by association)

Jason, if I never get a job it's your fault now.

Can I Be Your Private Dancer?

Can I Be Your Private Dancer?
Originally uploaded by jeffmyles.

My Grown-Up Xmas Wish

Today I got up at 1pm. I have discovered that with the blinds shut it would be quite feasible to NEVER wake up, were it not for loud roommates. It's like a cave, really. I love it.
I awoke to the smell of a fantastic breakfast, which had been made for me several hours earlier. Waffles, sausages, coffee and juice. What more could you ask for really?
So last night Darcy and I went over to the guys place for a bit to drink and hang out before heading to the bar to snub his ex and to be as emotionally and physically unapproachable as possible. At about midnight, nearing our departure time, we received a call from Megan who was anxious to leave her friends party. Apparently she had enough "couples" time. haha I can totally understand though. There is nothing I hate more than being solo and spending my evening in witness to a horrid PDA. That girl needs a guy, pronto. This is my grown-up xmas wish you could say... and I'm going to find her one. The alternative is cleaning up dog shit.
So, Darcy and I abandoned our scheme to ruin Jeff's ego and headed to Clayton Park to rescue our damsel in distress. Upon arrival we discovered a huge table filled with snacks, which we made quick work of, and one particularly drunk woman. No, this wasn't Megan oddly enough... it was her friend Belva, and she was leaps and bounds ahead of the rest in her sloppy, destructive persuit of ... what is it we're looking for? Regardless, it was one of the more entertaining evenings I've experienced since my arrival in Halifax.
I always feel for those married young parents who try to make the best of the one night they get to go out per month, or even year. They've somehow managed to pawn the children off on the grandparents, neighbours, siblings.. or even dropped them off at a friends door at the last minute as not to provide warning or an escape route. Now, they're off to pack as much fun into an 8 hour evening as they possibly can. The rest of the crowd, including her husband, were winding down, but she wasn't giving up without a fight. At 2am she was still begging us to go out to the bars -refusing to let her night of fun come to a disappointing end. Hilarious.
There was no leaving, so we decided that learning a new dance would be fun. As you can see here, Trilby was showing me the "Pretzel" which is one of the most confusing display of entangled limbs I've ever experienced. It clearly wasn't developed by a non-rythmic white dude fumbling with arms flailing destined to blacken their dance partner's eyes. I can't dance. I know this now.