Subtle Vomiting

vomit
Originally uploaded by jeffmyles.

Ok, so it's been requested that I explain how one manages to discreetly expell the contents of their stomach without causing a stir or drawing attention to their performance. I will not only explain HOW this can be accomplished, but I will provide a situation in which you may need to do so or where this could be implemented at your discretion. In addition, I will have given an example of what might cause this to occur in the first place. I'll get right to it.
Picture it, you're visiting a friend... no wait, let's say you're with a friend, visiting someone they know. You find it incredibly awkward just being there as you have soon discovered that you not only know this person's significant other, but have a deeply disturbing sexual history with them. You're completely revolted seeing them again as your last sexual encounter ended on a bad note and required an unexpected cleanup. You're shocked to find them in various photos scattered around the apartment. The host openly decides to explain who this person is and all about them like you haven't already been privy to this info in your past. You play dumb, but immediately feel the need to flee as to avoid a potential encounter or need to explain yourself. You can't get the vision of that horrible experience our of your mind. It's haunting you now.
Sure enough, when you thought your chance to bail was finally granted, the host decides to invite you both to stay for a spontaneous dinner. Great, you're stuck for a least another 2 hours. By this time, they've already started you on your second mixed drink and you can't use the "I have to go pick up something" idea.
(I know, I'm rambling..get to the point)
So, you've managed to make it to dinner and you sit at the table, food placed in front of you. Suddenly, you discover that the meat isn't cooked enough and there is a large hair woven into your vegetables. you're feeling nauseous just looking at it. You're too shy to say anything, so you attempt to maneuver things around to give the impression that you've consumed something. Then they ask you to taste something and give your opinion. Fuck. Now what? You decide to be brave and not think about it. You suck it up and load your fork. Just as you bite in they casually announce that there is seafood in it. You hate seafood. Strike three. You have a mouthful of nastiness already so you attempt to swallow it whole to lessen the blow. Just as you do, you're ex walks in the door, startling everyone. They look at you you panic. You immediately go into shock and your body's first response is to project this vile crap from your throat directly at them. You immediately grab your napkin and catch it, passing it off as politely clearing your throat to introduce yourself. No one notices your display because they're disrupted by their entrance. Now you promptly excuse yourself before the intro is made and head to the kitchen where you immediately bury your vomit-soiled napkin deep into the garbage can. Mission accomplished. Subtle, yet effective. Don't tell me this is far fetched! It could happen to any one of you.


Another thing that might induce subtle vomitting:

-Julia Childs naked, a stick of butter and a cheese grater