Don't hate me because I'm short... I'm short because you hate me

ok, so here's a recap of saturday nights events. I'll let you decide for yourself if I should be concerned:
- pre-drinking at Jody's. Mass quantities of booze were consumed as usual.
-went to Stage Nine with the roomies to see Reuben spin and so Julie could meet the guy she picked up at the teachers retirement party. Yes, she picked up at a retirement party... only she could pull that one off. I bonded with the coatcheck girl and she agreed to let me in dispite the "height requirement" she was enforcing.
-met a girl named Ashley while standing at the bar. She was 21 and right off the bat I told her that she needed to lose 3 things: 1) her "Hi I'm from Granola, British Columbia" glasses, 2) her bad lid and 3) her ugly friend -who could be best described as a Bif Naked look-a-like (which I openly announced later) She appreciated my honesty and we bonded over bottles of Keith's and watched the stoners dance in some mad mating ritual... sickening. She was fun times.
-Trilby and J-M were there... I tried to do the pretzel with her on the dance floor which wasn't nearly as fun as our attempts in her livingroom. Then I fast-forwarded their happy 5 month marriage straight to couples councelling when I decided to kiss her in front of her enormous 350lbs husband. I could see my life flashing before me in his glaring eyes... ooops. Luckily I scrambled and the riot squad took over. Then I was off to Reflections with Darcy and Julie
-while waiting in line at the bar I had a piss panic attack. Luckily at this point Jenny, Glenn and Jody had arrived and were behind us in line so I grabbed Jody's keys and ran to his apartment, pissed and made it back in record time. Now I'm back standing in line in the freezing cold with everyone... why didn't I take my time and then stroll to the front of the line like all the others? oh right, I was dillusional. Darcy and Julie bailed because it was taking too long. BOOO!
-Again, Scott Gooooooooordon was sighted out ravaging the community. His leathery skin and freakishly white teeth were blinding. His obnoxious voice could be heard for miles... "hey girlz" Bleh... my god he's a freak of nature. Avoidance is key.
-Glenn took the liberty of introducing me to people as Tompkins all evening. I played the part and advised that I had an ankle biting fetish to add to the story.
-I spotted my black momma again... let's call her "African Violet" for future reference. Her real name remains a mystery. It was my third siting and she was looking damn sexy in her grey mumu and shiny tinsel earrings. Her huge guns pounded the earth as she danced her ass off -well, around anyway. I'm guessing that she wasn't AS excited to reunite as I was. But still, it was nice to say hello again.
-at about 3:30am I was well on my way to alcohol poisoning when I discovered that I had a prize sitting at the bottom of my glass. Was I the lucky winner? At some point a toonie had been dropped in and was hidden by the excessively large lime wedge. yuck. Normally I'd just fish it out and dispose of the drink, but no. I was far too drunk to do that. So, I headed to the bar where Heidi strained it through a martini shaker and topped it up with more gin to "kill whatever was on it" She's so smart! Oh, and I'll have 2 more doubles while I'm here.... sick.
-Glenn and I had a drunken "I love you man, you're the greatest friend ever" moment. I announced that I appreciated him because he was taller than me. Sounds like a good enough reason I guess... I suspect that means I love everyone now. lol DORKS!
-Megan arrives. She sits on a stool and mocks me for being "out of control" don't judge Megan, it's bad Karma!
-then came the dance-off. Gilles happened to be walking by us and some sarcastic comments were thrown around - joking as usual. We decide to scrap it out, but then Glenn shouted "Pas de violence... We'll settle this with a dance off!". Needless to say, I hauled out the "running man" and took the show. Here's hoping that everyone at the bar suffered a spell of momentary blindness and missed the ordeal.
-we left the bar and Megan, Jody and Glenn decide to make the drunk one deal with the pizza line. So, off I stagger to get slices for the crew. After what seemed like 6 hours, I arrived home. Mine, of course, wasn't what I had ordered... or thought I did anyway. I asked for a donair, not a pepperoni slice with an enormous elephant cum load of donair sauce. gross. Too drunk to go back... too tired to stay awake.