Unacceptable

I'm sorry, but the only reason I bothered to get out of bed today was to shower, eat and prepare myself for Grey's Anatomy. What the fuck is going on? The guide says yes... the channel says no. This is very upsetting. WTF?

Why?

Why do I still feel this way? Why has something that didn't have an opportunity to develop managed to have such an affect on me? Why do you say that you care now? Why couldn't I understand? Why couldn't you say what you needed to before? Why can't I just let it go?
Why am I still trying to figure this all out?

Food In Lieu Of Boyfriend

I've recently developed an unhealthy obsession with the Food Network. It's become such a large part of my weekend and evening routine that I should probably be concerned. I've somehow made my way from drunken boy-crazed hobbit to boring, domestic shut-in. I'm beginning to realize that I've seen every episode of Barefoot Contessa and Giaga De Laurentiis' Everyday Italian. That can't be a good sign. I still sit here... staring blankly at the tv. It's an addiction, but really it could be worse. I could take a liking for boobs. Wouldn't that be disturbing?

Sunday

Another uneventful weekend. It's amazing how long it feels when you're not busy getting trashed and feeling hungover the next day. haha
Today I spent the morning walking Brennon around downtown, drinking coffee and fighting the enormous snowflakes blowing in my face. The weather has been so random lately. One minute it's sunny, the next we're having a mini blizzard. Luckily, it doesn't seem to accumulate to much.
Things have actually been quite hectic at work. It's quarter end and my new assistant Julie started on Monday, which is working out well. She seems to be picking things up quickly and has actually helped to distract me from thinking too much at work. lol Tomorrow I FINALLY get to move into my new space... I can't wait. It's been a bitch sharing Christy's desk and trying to keep myself organized. How am I supposed to get all of my blog reading in with someone staring over my shoulder?
So, I'm starting my volunteer work at the Atlantic Film Festival next weekend. I'll be working with Andrew to babysit the Viewfinders jury, which is bound to be entertaining. 5 kids and 2 days of films to watch. Wahoo! I hope the snacks keep them occupied. What could be more fun than that? It'll be nice to have something to do a few evenings a week and on my weekends though. Hopefully I'll get to meet some interesting people along the way. Andrew's work friends are all great and I'm sure they'll be a blast to work with as well. I can't wait for our summer patio parties... Andrew, we have to get your deck built. Pronto!

You Learn Something New Everyday...

Passive-Aggressive

Definition:

Passive-aggressive personality disorder is a chronic condition in which a person seems to passively comply with the desires and needs of others, but actually passively resists them, becoming increasingly hostile and angry.

Symptoms:

People with this disorder resent responsibility and show it through their behaviors rather than by open expression of their feelings. Procrastination, inefficiency, and forgetfulness are behaviors commonly used to avoid doing what they need to do or have been told by others must be done.

A person with this disorder may appear to comply with another's wishes -- may even demonstrate enthusiasm for them -- but the requested action is either performed too late to be helpful, performed in a way that is useless, or otherwise sabotaged to express anger the person cannot relate verbally.

Signs and tests:

Personality disorders are diagnosed by psychological evaluation and a careful history of the extent and time course of the symptoms. Some of the common signs of passive-aggressive personality disorder include:

* Procrastination
* Intentional inefficiency
* Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
* Complaining
* Blaming others
* Resentment
* Sullenness
* Fear of authority
* Resistance to suggestions from others
* Unexpressed anger or hostility


Ok... maybe just a little bit.

NOTE TO SELF: Stop rambling to others about how you're feeling. It's scary and pathetic.

A Friendly Reminder

Spring Fever. A bit premature, but I think it's settled in already. Spending the afternoon out with friends for brunch, wandering the waterfront and drinking over-priced latte's in the sun. It's likely just a tease. I fully expect a few more weeks of bitterly cold winter weather, but it's nice to dream.
Thanks for the great afternoon guys. It's nice to get out in my old age. lol

I'd like to smoke me a blunt...

Can we please just establish that this guy is not only talented, but hot as hell? O-M-G.

BLEH

If things are supposed to happen for a reason, then I believe that an explanation for the past 3 months of my life would be in order. I'm completely baffled.

I ended 2005 on the right track... work was great, friends were great, things were going well overall and I actually felt that I had accomplished something and was going in the right direction for once. Then, like a fucking train wreck, everything went tits up in a hurry. What the fuck is up with me? There has to be some bigger issue here that I'm completely overlooking. Something is very very wrong... ugh, 2006 is not off to a good start.

Now, not only have I managed to stress out about everything going on, but I'm stressed out about BEING stressed and how that's affecting my behaviour. lol It's only making things worse. I just can't win. Maybe I'm actually insane. For real. Who knows? At this point, does it even matter?

In an effort to open up to people I've managed to:

a) spark a bizarre and completely awkward relationship with my estranged siblings. I thought that after deciding to finally come out to them they would be more open and our relationship would change for the better. This isn't exactly what I had in mind... but I'm sure they'll come around eventually. Although, the suggestion that I not bring it up to the parents clearly indicates that they would rather I keep the peace than live my life openly with the rest of the family. They aren't talking anymore, so I guess that's my answer.

b) more importantly, I've managed to fuck up what was one of the best relationships (friend or "whatever") that I've had. I guess wanting something too badly tends to make it blow up in your face. Who knew? If I could go back and change anything, it would be this. Apparently I'm just not cut out for it. All that I ever wanted was reciprocity. To feel assured that I was doing the right thing. I guess I was just talking to myself. In all fairness, I was certainly getting mixed signals... which is what prompted me to fly off the handle in the first place. I was a hateful ass and I honestly don't know where it all came from. It really bothers me that I reacted the way that I did. I certainly can't take all of the blame for this, but I can own up to my actions. boo.

c) as a direct result of the latter, I've become so pre-occupied with my personal life that I'm completely slacking off at work. My performance has gone down the tubes and I'm sure that I'm not the only one to recognize it either. I've lost my motivation and tolerance for everthing. I can barely deal with my co-workers asking me to do anything. Fuck, if they look at me the wrong way I feel like throwing them out the window. lol I'm sure they think I'm a pleasure to deal with now. The fact that I'm writing this at my desk makes it all pretty clear.

So, what am I going to do about all of this? Well, for now I guess I'll keep blathering on here... in hopes that venting my frustrations will make a difference. Maybe I'll just drink more. I'm open to suggestions.

Gag me. Please.

Your Wednesday Horoscope Jeff!
Travel is featured, even if you had other plans; consider taking a trip just to clear your mind. A chance encounter could lead to an extended flirtation. Passion will develop if a conversation lingers into the wee hours.

F-word

Ugh...
Why do I have to feel like crap all of the time? These newly-acquired "emotions" have got the best of me. I much preferred the heartless, indifferent bastard I was only months ago. I'm passed the angry/pissed off/feeling rejected/bitter stage... now I just feel anxious about the idea that I've made the wrong decision and ruined everything. God, it just doesn't feel right.
We haven't talked in over a week and it's pretty much been all I've have on my mind. I've done well to hide it... not bringing it up around those who would offer up the ever-popular "you did the right thing". But, did I really? I mean, yes I was upset. Yes, I was confused. Yes, I acted like a loonatic... and yes, I said some pretty shitty things. I certainly wasn't happy with how things were going... so, how can there still be any question? If only I could shut off the feelings.
I deleted you from my contact list in a fit of rage and now I spend the majority of my evenings compulsively checking to see if you're online... damn you block checker. Wishing and waiting for a window to pop up... "hey" Yeah, this is great. God, this sucks! I know it's doubtful... why can't I just accept that? Fuck. You're obviously not going to attempt to talk to someone who flew off the handle and insulted you for not communicating... it just wouldn't make sense. You don't feel the same way... and you told me that we weren't on the same page anyway.
I haven't gone out in weeks. I'm just avoiding the bar and a potentially awkward run-in, I suppose. I enjoy hanging out and doing other things, but I miss seeing everyone and now I'm kicking my ass for ruining that as well. I don't know how I would react if I saw you and I have no clue what you'd do either. I know it's inevitable and I'm worried that it'll be too much for me to handle.
I'm so distracted I can barely function. I miss you so much. I'm a fucking moron. Fuck.

"Matt"

To answer the anonymous question I just received in my inbox.. Yes, in fact, I did get it. lol Perhaps a better question from me would be "Who are you?" lol Are you the ghost of "Fashion Matt" back to make one final guest appearance? What's your deal "Matt"?... I'm anxious to know. haha