Wedding 2 of 2 "I'm not ready to throw rice. Gotta Go!"

New Brunswick: Day 10

Homo-factor: sub-zero

Anxiety Level: astronomical

Irritation Level: beyond recognition

9:30 am Rise and Shine for my departure back to Lake George. Miraculously, I awoke without a hangover. It's quite likely that the downpour of rain the night before had sufficiently cleansed the booze right out of me. I said goodbye to the new Mr. & Mrs Mersereau and was off to Tim Horton's for coffee before my drive home. I must say, living in St. George would be far more tolerable now, given the recent addition of fast food and drive-thru coffee. Why were were deprived of this when we lived there? Fuckers.
After arriving at the cottage I was quickly instructed to get myself together for our caravan trip to Meductic for wedding #2. Ryan opted to drive up with me rather than the Lake George geriatric association (aka, the retired parents association). We got to chat about his new job and what he's been up to. It was great to catch up since we haven't seen each other since the summer before I moved to Halifax. We would have chatted more, but I was busy trying to keep up with his father when we suddenly realized that we were going to be late for the wedding. Given that Paul is a judge, I felt it was safe to speed. Have you ever put plastic in a toaster? Well, that's what my car smelled like when we arrived. I lost yet another car part along the way as well. lol It's a miracle that thing has lasted as long as it has. But, we made it JUST in time.

The church was small and thankfully so was the crowd. It was stifling hot and I was thankful that I was not in a 3 piece lilac tuxedo again (for several reasons). My plan was to sit near the back so I could make a quick escape and avoid wasting valuable driving time with idle chit chat. After all, I only knew a select few in the crowd and I had already spent nearly a week with them, so it really wasn't necessary.

The ceremony was nice, aside from the Minister's speech about how to keep the passion, love and success in their marriage. I found this amusing since he was CLEARLY a fat gay man and had never been married himself. What was even more amusing was his comment to Jeff that he should "accept the fact that Julie was not perfect... she never will be... and that many women will come along in his life who may have other qualities that he would enjoy, but she's never going to be that person. He needs to accept her flaws.". This would be only slightly offensive had he chosen to reciprocate the comment. But no, he just went on to something else. The look on her face was priceless. I thought she was going to punch the fucker and walk out the door. Luckily she has an exceptional sense of humour and just turned to the crowd with her jaw dropped and rolled her eyes. lol I couldn't believe how ridiculous and inappropriate it was. They obviously didn't rehearse that part.

The ceremony was short and sweet (finger crossing works, people. Don't ever forget it). They walked up the aisle and I immediately bolted. I don't think they were even in the limo by the time I peeled out of the driveway. No goodbyes. No time. I was on a mission to get my ass back to Halifax ASAP.... and in record time I should add. Woodstock-Hatchet Lake: 4hrs 7 mins. (with one stop for coffee in Salisbury of course).

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

NB Vacation: Day 7

Put your shotgun in my face.

Thank you.

Wedding 1 of 2

* I apologize for the length of this blog posting... but I'm bored and this is basically all that I've had to accomplish this week.)

I've been in NB for 96 hours. Current Status: Homo-factor = nil, Anxiety Levels = fair/moderate, Irritation Level = Off the Charts

Wedding 1 of 2 has now been completed.

I'll be posting pics when I get a chance to steal a real Internet connection. Dial-up is currently killing my buzz. I thought cottage life was all about rest and relaxation? Well, I'd be resting right now if it hadn't taken me 10 minutes to get signed into Blogger to write this update. Civilization, I miss you.

Wedding Recap:

Thursday evening was the "bachelor party" which was never actually intended to be the "bachelor party". It was low key (for real real) and involved a few of Ben’s friends driving out to the cottage at the end of their work day. We had lots of beers, wings and other deep fried goodness. A lot of sitting around talking crap about things that none of us really felt like discussing, but it passed the time. Sufficiently bloated, I made my way home (down the beach) in complete darkness without tripping or landing on my drunk ass... Everyday is a challenge.

Friday am, in the midst of a torrential downpour, we made our way to Riverbend. Yes folks, this hobbit left the hills of the Shire to drive some balls and play in the sand traps at the local golf course. It rained. It poured. It rained again. I could barely see where I was let alone where I should be aiming. lol We had a blast and I actually did quite well -well, better than I have in the past. I only managed to lose one ball the entire time, which I think is a reasonable accomplishment.

Then we were off to Chipman for the rehearsal and dinner -Quick and simple. Having never ventured to Chipman, I had no clue just how horribly out of the way it was.... a tiny little village in the middle of nowhere New Brunswick. It was a serious hicktown. It was hotter than balls out and thankfully we had A/C. Air conditioning is my new bf. It's thoughtful. It's there when you need it and unlike a nervous boyfriend, it keeps you from turning into a sweaty mess. Even more, it’s gone when you don’t want it around. What more could you ask for really? We're in love.

After the wedding rehearsal we all headed over to the Motel (yes.. that's an M) to gather for dinner. Rebecca's family arrived and we had a great time chatting it up and generally trying to make she and Ben as uncomfortable as possible about the wedding day tomorrow. Fun stuff. One of Rebecca's relatives lives in Halifax and is shipping out (Navy) on Monday. I recognized him from our regular Saturday night hangout spot... He did as well, which quickly prompted him to flee to the opposite corner of any room we were in for the rest of the weekend. Hilarious. Obviously there will be a Ref's reunion when he returns. That's sure to be entertaining. I thought for sure that he was going to shit his pants when I walked in and paused knowing full well where I had spotted him in the past. I obviously didn't mention it.

Charles, Ben and I headed back to F'ton to spend his last single night hanging out on the deck of his new house. Ben went off to bed early (we needed to be up early) and Charles and I found ourselves sitting in lawn chairs beside the stream below. We drank numerous cans of beer and smoking a healthy dose of weed. High School flashback - Take One. We chatted about the usual random shit and then curiosity got the best of him and he came out with it. We laughed and he told me all about the conversation that he and Julie had last summer. She had basically given him an update, not knowing that I hadn't told him yet. We got a good laugh about it and he wanted to know all about what's been going on since I had moved. At 3am we suddenly realized the time and scrambled off to bed. It was great to know that after all of these years (even though we hadn't been in touch much) things were still the same.

Saturday at 9am. Wedding Day! You're fucking kidding me. I wanted to die. This day was NOT going to go well. I was tired, hungover and wanted nothing more than to sleep and be left alone. I got up and immediately bolted for Tim’s. Coffee was the only option. We gathered ourselves and managed not to forget anything before heading back to Chipman for the big day. We arrived at the motel and I checked in to my room to frantically shower and get ready for the ceremony. We had an hour to accomplish this. Anyone who knows me would soon realize that this was going to be a tight schedule.

As I opened the door to my room (which was oddly unlocked) I was shocked to find an older, greasy, poorly dressed fat guy sitting in a chair drinking Labatt Blue and watching tv. He was in my room. Why? Charles and I immediately look at each other completely confused. Had I walked into the wrong room? Oddly, no I hadn’t. The guy, who's name I didn't bother to catch, stood up to introduce himself. "Hey, are you staying in here as well?" At this point you can imagine my horror. I said nothing. Then he says "oh, well I rent out this room, but I guess you'll have it tonight. I'm not going to be around." Well, isn't that convenient. I could have thrown up. He smelled worse than he looked. He had clearly not showered in 4 days and attempted to mask the stench of BO and cigarette smoke with a costco-sized bottle of cheap old man’s cologne. I gagged. He made me want to boil myself. He got up and left after wasting 10 minutes of my much needed preparation time. Now I needed therapy, not a shower.

Thankfully, the room had been cleaned. I got my shit together and managed not to make the rest of the crew wait long for me… for too long anyway. We went for pre-wedding pics - I had 4 beer to pass the time. My buzz had been recovered. Game on. I made a point of standing beside Navy boy. He was a complete stressball, thinking that I was going to make small talk. We all left for the ceremony…

(Blah Blah... "I Do"... "I Do"...ring, ring, …kiss… leave…) Moving on.

I started off with a glass of white wine and a beer at the reception. It was 6pm after all and I planned to pace myself. Cheryl, Marie and I had already decided that excessive boozing would be in order to mark the occasion. So, I knew that I was in for a long night. Um, yeah... my plan failed miserably. By 8 'o clock I had polished off the 2 bottles of white that I scammed from a neighbouring table. My buzz was now a full-on shitshow. I was tanked. Then the music started. O... M... G... Wedding music, circa 1987. Need I say more? When in Chipman…

This pretty much says it all…

Wedding colours: lilac and white.

Wedding Theme: Drink wine and lick the ladies.

Cheryl didn't even need to shower this morning. lol

I was up, packed and ready to leave my 5-Star accommodations by 9 ‘o clock. Now for 6 days of boredom before my second marriage.

Random Facts By Delicious Bitch

- Although V8 juice may cause one to soil their skimpies... clamato keeps one dry as a bone.

Giving Back To The Community

On Friday evening Joseph and Jeff took time out of their busy summer schedule to bring a little joy into the life of someone less fortunate.

We felt it would be great opportuntiy to bring Corky along for the birthday celebrations held at Jana's fabulous new apartment. He had a great time. As you can see here he even got to have some cake! Yummy!

It makes us both feel great knowing that he had such an amazing time. He really loves you all and hopes you'll welcome him into your homes again soon. (please note: it's best to hide sharp objects. We don't want to have any unnecessary accidents)
Thanks again everyone!

Thoughts By Stephen

-"the camera adds 10 lbs and 3 points to the Kinsey Scale"

BREAKING NEWS!

The Hatchet Lake Hot Tub of Sin is up and running again!

With that in mind, I will now post the rules:

#1- What goes in the hot tub MUST leave the hot tub at some point.

#2- Keep your bottles in hand and out of the water. Getting drunk by absorption doesn't work.. We've already tried.

#3- In the event that your hands need to be under the water, please use the cup holders provided.

#4- Snorkles are available upon request.

#5- You have two choices... Lady Business in the Lou OR Lady Business Outside. Not in the hot tub. No sporting events please.

#6- Have Fun!

P.S. It's Bonnie-Free!
Should you experience any Bonnie Raitt, please report to the management immediately.

ENJOY!

Happy Canada Gay!

My extended Canada Day weekend started on Thursday after a busy week at work. Shut up, I actually had shit to do. Anyway, I had booked Friday off and scheduled a pre-buzz appointment with Peter for a grey-be-gone and a trim. Then I was off to gather the weekend supplies (mainly beer/booze) before heading out to see The Devil Wears Prada. Fab movie by the way. Meryl's deadly looks were inspiring. That's all.

Early Saturday afternoon the boys all arrive for their overnight gay "camping" trip. The idea of an actual camping excursion was tossed out, but let's be honest it wasn't happening. We enjoy running water, primping and it's hard to lug 5 costume changes in an overnight bag. Without the catwalk, music blaring and a dancefloor (aka, deck with mood lighting) the gays wouldn't be having a great time anyway. So, we opted to host the Canada Day festivities at our house. Everyone was invited and came.... twice.

Charles' fab friend J-Lo (Deb) flew in on her sea plane (Subaru) making her way down the boardwalk in stilettos. Later on, after swapping out for some flip flops she managed to keep the shoes safe from any drunken test drives by the boys.

The BBQ crisis (old BBQ + drunk hobbit = rusty pile of junk) was averted by a quick call to G's for a massive order of pizza and garlic fingers. Thanks to Grandpa Bear, we all owe you big time. The order came when they were damn well finished making it and one of Hatchet Lake's finest crack whores arrived to deliver. Hot stuff. The pizza was warm. No 10 Piece Haddock for u.

After stuffing our faces, Rocky quickly brought to our attention that this food intermission was likely to kill our buzz. We headed back outside to start a fire and settle in for a quiet night of toasting marshmallows and campfire stories... err, not exactly. With a little gas action our fire was burning strong.
Benjie, being the least intoxicated, was on fire duty and kept things warm for the pack of homos and Olivia (the only sober one present). Then came the campfire music. What better than an endless array of Madonna/Kylie/Bananarama remixes. We all got up and danced. Stephen and Benjie showed us the new safety dance (PFD remix) and eventually Joseph and I felt it was time to let everyone in on our little secret. We can fly bitches!


















After Christening the bench, Marcus and Rocky retired to the Hobbit hole to "pass out"... mmm right.

RH L's MG 4EVER TLA

In keeping with the camping theme, Charles and Joseph opt to setup a tent on the back lawn. It was quite spacious for just the two of them... perhaps they were hoping for guests to arrive later. lol Either way, good on ya boys. What happens in Nylon, Stays in Nylon... unless you wash it.

Sunday breakfast consisted of a dozen fish muffins from Tim Hortons, bacon, eggs and several pots of coffee. Laying around watching tv and recalling the events that some of us failed to recall. Can you think of a better way to waste away the afternoon? Well, how about some Donkey Kong Bongos and Dance Dance Revolution. Yeah, I said it. Like we didn't get enough dancing in the night before. Now you'd expect the weekend to wind down at this point. BUT, nearly out of booze and certainly out of energy we manage to regroup only hours later. The next part is worthy of it's own blog post. So, here we go...

Be Gay, It's The Lord's Day!

As Monday was designated the official day of the hangover, it was decided that we round up the crew and meet for yet another soiree of boozing/dancing/etc. etc. on Sunday night.
We arrived at Charles' apartment, Mandrew in hand (literally), and drank the variety of half-consumed bottles left over from the previous evening. On the way in Marcus' new car Andrew announces that he's "found the greatest love of all inside of me"... and promptly asked them to get off him.
Return of the Buzz was in full effect in no time and so we made our way to Reflections. It was by far the slowest night I've ever seen. There were likely 25 other people in the bar. Pathetic. We had a blast regardless and took advantage of the abundant space on the dancefloor. We danced like complete morons. It was totally embarrassing. I'm the new Hollywood... but with crazier moves. All kinds of moves. I think I can dance. I even invented a new move... I call it the "Whitney snorts a line". It's not right, but it's ok... Fun for the whole family!

At the end of the night the lights came on and we scurried like cock roaches. Off to pizza corner for some 'zza and harrassment. Then a regroup at the Hydrostone to finish off the rest of our booze. Andrew sports the cowboy hat to give us a brokeback moment while Gilles decides to demonstrate the proper way to snort coke off a glass coffee table. Marcus and Stephen sneak off to pass out. It was the end of their Canada Day extend-a-buzz.
Andrew passes out sitting up (semi-on me), Gilles sticks his face to a leather chair and the rest of us go to bed... um, yeah.

Our buzz stops here.

Thanks for a great Canada Gay Weekend boys!