F-word

Ugh...
Why do I have to feel like crap all of the time? These newly-acquired "emotions" have got the best of me. I much preferred the heartless, indifferent bastard I was only months ago. I'm passed the angry/pissed off/feeling rejected/bitter stage... now I just feel anxious about the idea that I've made the wrong decision and ruined everything. God, it just doesn't feel right.
We haven't talked in over a week and it's pretty much been all I've have on my mind. I've done well to hide it... not bringing it up around those who would offer up the ever-popular "you did the right thing". But, did I really? I mean, yes I was upset. Yes, I was confused. Yes, I acted like a loonatic... and yes, I said some pretty shitty things. I certainly wasn't happy with how things were going... so, how can there still be any question? If only I could shut off the feelings.
I deleted you from my contact list in a fit of rage and now I spend the majority of my evenings compulsively checking to see if you're online... damn you block checker. Wishing and waiting for a window to pop up... "hey" Yeah, this is great. God, this sucks! I know it's doubtful... why can't I just accept that? Fuck. You're obviously not going to attempt to talk to someone who flew off the handle and insulted you for not communicating... it just wouldn't make sense. You don't feel the same way... and you told me that we weren't on the same page anyway.
I haven't gone out in weeks. I'm just avoiding the bar and a potentially awkward run-in, I suppose. I enjoy hanging out and doing other things, but I miss seeing everyone and now I'm kicking my ass for ruining that as well. I don't know how I would react if I saw you and I have no clue what you'd do either. I know it's inevitable and I'm worried that it'll be too much for me to handle.
I'm so distracted I can barely function. I miss you so much. I'm a fucking moron. Fuck.